How to Win an Argument with a Spouse
Aaahhh … wedded bliss … the butterflies when you kiss, the sparkle in his eyes when he looks at you, the heart pounding when you are close to each other … and then … that first argument … or, if you’re like me and been married a few years – in my case – 15 years now, maybe your five-hundredth or so argument! My husband and I have been together for a lonnng, lonnng time …. married 15 years just last week and before that, we dated for 7 years, yes, that’s 22 years together! In that time we’ve had many fish (usually 3 at any time), still have 3 dogs, 3 children, and lived in 3 different places. It seems 3 is our magic number! (Doesn’t everything happen in 3s?) In this time, we’ve had lots of wonderful moments. Lots of cool trips to the Caribbean, to Europe, South America, all around the world! We’ve had many romantic moments, had fabulous food, and saw great movies as well as been to the theatre.
Realities of Marriage
You get married because, well, you are in love with this person who you’ve been carrying on with, right? You are together 24, 7 anyway, so, why not make it official?
Here is the reality.
Commitment changes people. Time changes people. Environments and aging, changes people. Change can be good. Your perspective can be the deciding factor of this.
An avid personal development reader, audio listener, and video watcher, I’m constantly looking to improve myself, to change with life. At the same time, I’ve encouraged my husband to do the same, so that he can have tools to help me to cope with the changes life throws at him. It’s just not been his ‘thing’.
In the many years of his discontent of not having found his purpose and being in a more peaceful place in his life, I would continue to suggest personal development to help him. Meditation. Yoga. Something to help him tap into his mindset, and move forward while allowing his past to stay in the past. This living in the past seemed to be a paralyzing problem with him. I just didn’t know what to do.
Our struggles to find alignment with each other was often crowned with me being unhappy that he wasn’t who I married and didn’t seem to want to make a change from his discontent to content. I’d keep justifying my point of view to be that I wasn’t looking to change him but seeking for him to be happy AND, hoping I’d see the man I had married. I was missing him – from 20 years ago.
A Reality Check – For ME!
It took many, many years for me to realize how truly disconnected I was. Much of it pride. Some of it stubbornness. All of it selfishness; lack of clarity on our marriage, on my short comings, on his unhappiness. Our arguments were fraught with me attempting to have him SEE my perspective, to stop turning things around to always show how I was in the wrong or how it affected him. We really never got anywhere. Oh sure, we’d “make up” but we didn’t move to a place of better understanding, no, we were in the same spot as the year before and the year before that …. In all that, I neglected to recognize that the man in front of me, the sometimes unhappy, sometimes depressed, the often discontent and restless man, was partially because of MY inability to change, from MY inability to move past the past and to the future. You see, he had changed and I was still looking in my rear view mirror for the man I married. Instead of changing to move forward with this man, this man who loves our children so unconditionally, who loves me so much he’d never willingly give me up, who loves life so much that he wants more of it, here I was looking for that guy from 20 years ago.
Finally Win the Argument, Every Time!
If you’re looking to prove your spouse wrong or prove yourself right, you’ll never, ever win the argument. You’ll continue to lose in the life of relationships. In the end, relationships are about love.
So what if he doesn’t see things the way you do?
So what if he never puts the toilet seat down or never brings you flowers or spends too much at the store?
Once you come to terms that none of this truly matters, then You will win in life.
When you start to say sorry that things escalated to where they do or apologize for getting him upset, then YOU win!
Saying sorry doesn’t mean you’re wrong, it says you respect your spouse, that you feel badly for what happened; how you made someone else feel and that you don’t want it to happen again, it says you want there to be peace between the two of you.
Find your inner peace by giving up more of yourself to your spouse. Understand your spouse more and make things less about yourself. Give more to him and listen well. You’ll find that, he will want to do the same … or maybe he has already been doing this, you just didn’t notice.
Soon, you’ll find you’ll have less arguments because you understand each other better.
The peace between you is greater.
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